Wednesday, August 26, 2009

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am.......Jennifer Knapp

I have been trying to digest this book for awhile. Everything in my life is changing and so fast, so I have not been able to update. So very quickly.. I started work again..and I have totally been kicking it! I am learning to love it again. I will be moving in November with a very dear friend (Ms. Diddy) and Kasey :) I have also decided to start the path on becoming a Physicians Assistant. The studying of this profession has brought me into more focus than ever on God's plan for my life and talents. It is right where I want to be as far as difficultly and scholastically I think it is perfect for me. I will always technically be a student to medicine (needing 100 hours every 2 years for recertification) and I will always have a supervising physician, but still be able to practice with my own autonomy. AAANNNDD... I was just invited back again to stage manage and direct another fashion show at the MGM Grand with Flick It Up Studios....This one is on Halloween. So with all of that said. On to this fantastic book...

I have been working though this book slowly but surely. It has blown open my concepts of God and what it is that drives me closer to Christ. I am finding old diary's and writings along this path that have also exposed a whole new world. I have learned to look at my life and myself through the lens of love. I had always viewed it through the paradigm of judgement and anger. I had decided that God hated me (per default mode) and that the purpose of my life was to make God love me through works. I never truly understood the value of grace..of faith and the intensions of my heart. These are the things that God sees. These are the things God loves...and these are the things the God judges(so tp speak)..and best of all, God sees me through the lens of Christ. This is what grace means. A love that can never be broken, nor stopped. The Lord has always protected me, through everything that I have decided to put myself through. And now I see that I was proclaiming faith, but not living it. Everything has changed. I am driven to now be brave. The way I always was is no longer good enough. My request to God was to bring me closer, to drawn me near so that I may understand the mysteries of this life more and more. That I may elevate to a higher level of understanding. As always, God has delivered and in the most unexpected ways. This has taken a form that I never thought possible. Where I can include ALL of myself, and still be ok...still be loved..and still be accpeted. This has taken a very very long time and it is still an ongoing fantastic struggle. Everyday I must remind myself to only listen to the voice of God, those words that build me up in my soul, that verify that I am God's creation alone and if God believes in me, than that changes everything... for there is nothing else that matters. Everything else is trivial. I am to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:37 -39). One of the most interesting things I find about this passage is where Jesus says "The second (command) is like it." Meaning the second, is like the first where the basis of it is full complete unconditional love. Love is what has brought me to this book and this point. I suggest it as a definite read for all those struggling with faith and orientation. It brings peace and will bring you into a closer intimacy with God if you seek it.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

It's the Conversation That Matters

This whole time I have been looking for a destination. I have been seeking to predict how God will find me, meet me, or where he will take me. I can not predict these things. I must go where I lead and see how it unfolds.. And it is truly unfolding for me now. I have been involved with (Yay Justin and Brian!!!! :) for a while but I am just now really taking care and love into it. IT lead me to the message boards where there are tons of thinkers throwing the best energy ever out there, to friends who will pray for you no matter what. Plus of course all the affirming info one could need. (Check out Straight To Heaven).. Anyway I have been going back and forth on this for a while now and I have come to a beautiful space. I was led by a message board to the following on TheOoze.Tv. I am feeling like God has called me to both sides to bridge this gap. A little much to explain right now (Gotta cook dinner) but if I can understand both sides, I can spark the conversation. The bridges are being built. Who will be the first to walk across them?

Part 1 - Andrew Marin on TheOoze.Tv

Part 2 - Andrew Marin on TheOoze.Tv

Friday, July 31, 2009

Where I stood...

My dearest Lindsay,
First and foremost.... I want to wish you the happiest birthday. I'm sure by the time you read this you will already feel the wisdom of your age creeping in on you ;p. There are so many things that I want to share with you but for some reason, my heart is telling me to stick to the basics, and so I will. That being said, there are still allot of basics. We have discussed our "not talking" many times. We have never stuck to it. Honestly, I never saw a reason to. I mean.. I still have so much love for you, and I felt you had the same for I figured, "What would be the point?" But things have changed drastically for me over the past few months and came to a head, so to speak. I'm not sure who told you I was sick, but yes I was. I was in the hospital for just over a week and allot of things were addressed in my stay there. The truth is that I have not been well for some time now and I have continuously put of seeking treatment for a myriad of reasons, but the main one being that I never truly cared for myself enough to feel that I was worth it. You were right in many aspects.... that I define my life by the relationships I keep or not keep. But I defined them through the lens of "what they did TO me." I was defining it through the paradigm of what THEY thought and how THEY saw me. That is who I was... Or so I thought. I was all wrong. I began to see that there was nothing wrong with how I formed these relationships, but there was something very unhealthy about the way that I clung to them.... Including you. It started with you. There was a hole left that I tried to fill with everything I could think of. And the only way I knew to fill it was with another relationship that held the "qualities" that felt like home. Some were pleasant and enriching, but for the most part I chose to take along with me patterns that confirmed that which I thought myself to be (worthless, undeserving, broken, ect.). EVERY relationship since has been fulfilling a small part to confirm my suspicions of people and what I thought was "right"; people can not be trusted..especially and including myself. It was these thoughts, running on repeat through my mind, which caused me to sink deeper into the hole that I had created. It is not until very recently that I began to wake up and really look at what I am creating by the thoughts I think, the actions I exhibit and the relationships that I choose to validate my experience of myself. I have never been good with boundaries, with friends or family, or even work. I have always tried to do what I thought others would think is right. I considered anger a low level emotion which really took me for a nice loop because the emotion of anger would trigger a feeling of guilt (Because in my mind, anger is bad because you are to love and understand all so get over it.) Then I would feel completely invalidated in my emotion which lead to resentment for not being able to express that emotion; (per the rules of this insane game that I played with myself) which lead to more on and so forth. I was always very good at not hurting others with all this pent up shit, for a while at least, and so, more often then not, I would turn the punishment onto myself. I would then go and seek those relationships in my life that would validate my invalidation...make any sense? Which leads me to where I am with you. To know that as I write this, I could have been with you, in your house, meeting your mittens, spending the night with many more to come. This is an intoxicating disappointment. I try not to think about it for too long..because I just get beyond sad and cry..... and cry...which is what I am doing now. But I know that when all was all said and done, I would be left with more carnage to unravel for myself. I mean seriously... We got one night together and look what happened... I feel like we have have both known for a great while that our effects on each other have been somewhat dysfunctional but, I know from my end, my pull to you was far too strong, and so I kept seeking you despite the effects it had on me as a whole. I do believe I can recall many a time when we have referred to each other as a "drug." And now I need to figure out my life with out that crutch. For as you have gone on and lived your life, not just surviving but thriving, separate from me, there has been a part of me that I have let belong to you that I have carried with me always. It has formed so much of who I have come to think I am. I guess I now need the time to figure out who that is without you. What I am asking for is a healthy boundary which is something that I have no idea how to do. I need space and time, more than we are used to, more than we have ever allowed. Because the truth of it is, I have never allowed myself an opportunity to heal. You have said many times to me that "I just have to let that shit go." and I agree, completely. But I do not know how to forgive you while you are still so much around and within me. All of my natural instinct has held onto the hurt so that I can make sure that I never get hurt again...and we see how well that has turned out. Truly forgiving you, would be the greatest gift that I can give to myself and to you.... and Lindsay, I want that more that anything. That is why I have not responded, I have not known what to say or how to say it. But more than that ...maybe it was that I knew what had to be said and was far to much of a coward to say it. There is so much of me that is screaming to just stop.. don't send this. Just call go back to what we had. I should have never looked at your pictures (you look amazing BTW). The thought of never being near you again..fuck.kissing you is beyond heaven to me...and the thought of never having that again terrifies me beyond anything I think you can understand. But I have to stop clinging to you in fear. I must now step out in faith.... Faith that everything is going exactly as it should and according to the greater plan. I have to have faith that the universe knows what it is doing and I have to trust that if I really let this go, all will be as it should. Whatever we were meant to create...we will create.. it's as simple as that. I have to learn to trust..The world , life, love and especially myself...period..and that is why this is to be what it is. I speak only of what I am feeling in this letter because I at no point want you think that I am in any way trying to assume or figure out what you feel or that I am speaking for you in any way.. I will leave that to you to decipher if and when you so choose. All I know for sure is that the love I have for you now is muddled and I no longer want that for you. I want to love you wholly and purely. I want to love you in the way that shows me that I love myself. You deserve nothing but the best of me as a friend, and right now, that is not who I am, but it is who I am trying to become. And perhaps by this separation, I am also aiding you in the person that you are to become... I can only hope. I have included a song that pretty much sums it up( Believe me, there are entire playlists that I have that are dedicated to you, but this is where I am right in this very moment. Lindsay, I hope you understand this letter and realize that it is not meant to hurt you, only to tell you the absolute truth. I hope that you can find enough love for me in your heart to understand that I am just a broken girl trying to fix herself up and become something that I can be proud of..and maybe someday, you can be proud of me too. That would mean more than the world to me. I miss you. I love you forever a million times.

****Edit August 4, 2009....Below is her response.. I must say.. I feel like I have been waiting to hear this for years.****

I knew you wouldn't let my day of birth pass without hitting me
Everything you are saying I agree with. It makes sense and you have obviously put quite a great deal of work into your self discovery. I really don't know what to say. I always say something dumb or inappropriate so let me try and stay with it here.. I want you to be happy and be greater than you can imagine; and You will be. I will be here, when and if the time comes for us to be whatever we should be, we will. I have faith in the purpose of this separation and hope that you reach for and continue doing whatever it is that you're doing that has brought YOU, the 27th year wisdom. I knew at one point what was happening, but wanted you to tell me. I was mad that you would just leave me alone without telling me whats up. Even though like I said, I knew good and well what was up. But eventually I knew you were doing the right thing. I don't want you to have to fill something I left behind or have any doubts in yourself because of things you have been through, as a result of us being together or any other reason. You do have too much to offer the world. Know that, feel that and carry that with you every moment of your life. You are worth saving...keep unmasking the light.
I am proud of you, you're my baby, and I say that with all respect and am not even hinting at being cute. I want to be there for you because I want you to see that I have changed. I don't want to be 16 -22 year old possibly 24...ahh shady Lindsay anymore. I want you to see me. But the only way you will be able to see me, is to first see you. So that you can see what I see; why I have stayed around, why I always come(came) back. So, as much as I want you to know I am here, so you can know that its ok to come to me for support, recognize I support what it is you are doing and will not make it harder than it has to be. The "hard" part of us is gone, its over. It doesn't have to be a battle anymore, a distortion, a vision, a picture, a notion, but can just be real. The one thing we have right now, is the ability to be completely honest with each other, something we have always been real close to but never were never able to get straight. I want that with you so we can be...whatever we will be.... Even if we are never to be, but to have been, my love is with you always...more than you know. Because I love you, I trust you know what is best for yourself and I owe you nothing less than to oblige.
Listen to Pretty Wings, by Maxwell...that's my pick for you.. I will check yours when I have my speakers on...
I hope you got your money back...
Lindsay Nell Gilbstein

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sisterly Advice

She said that she had to talk about it every day and then so will I. I just took the magic sleepy pill. The one that will cart me off to the only land that I will ever be able to see her in. Maybe tonight will be a good one. Maybe I'll get to hold her. Tell her how she will always feel like home. Maybe she will tell me that she truly knows how she has hurt me and wants nothing more than to be with me. And then again... Are those the things I wish to hear. What will it take? What exactly am I seeking from her? Will I know when I get it? All unanswered questions. But at least I can rest in the thought that more than likely, I will see her in a couple hours. Maybe I can ask her then.

What Dreams May Come...

Another night. Another 10+ hours spent with her..It would have only been 5 hours but I slept through my alarm and woke up @ 9 or 10 to pop another 1/2 seroquel and try to go back to the dream to reconcile what I could. I was in a basement house/apartment again. Different from the past ones but a basement space nonetheless. It was really just one large room in the basement with 2 twin beds on frames and 2 twin mattress on the floor. Kara was there as was Yanira, and of course Allie. But Jigna was no where in site (Thank God). It began at night. We were all in the single room. The moonlight shown through the single basement window. I remember speaking to Yanira under the covers on the basement floor. She rejected me in one way or another. I can not remember the exactness of what was said. I grabbed her face and began to kiss her at which point I opened my eyes and saw that I was kissing Kara. The kiss became that of one to Kara and her small cabbage patchy mouth. I swear she is so cute sometimes it's like.... Anyway. I pushed Kara off of me at which point she levitated straight to her feet with the sheet around her as if it were a flowing cape. It was more like a vampire than anything else. And then she suddenly disappeared. I looked around and the room was empty and the moonlight had seemed to have turned into the bright summer day only it was winter; there was snow on the ground. I stood just under the open window that contained no glass now and the bars were showing. I stood just below and eavesdropped on a conversation that Allie was having with her perceived best friend but this is no one that I have seen before. I knew she would see me eventually but they were discussing me so I could not help but listen in. As soon as I thought it, Allie caught my eye, but I didn't run. I was nervous but I knew that I had already been caught, so I just locked eyes with her. She looked at me and with a sense of disdain yet playful cheekiness, she said "You little monster." I felt slightly stung but with this complex notion that she knew something to which she was going to guarantee my downfall. She was pregnant (again) and planning her baby shower. She came downstairs and shoved my bible study notebook in my hands and said "Some nice animal drawings you got there."
"What are you talking about Allie?", I said as I tried to rack my brain of any incriminating evidence that might be contained with in it's pages. I could think of nothing. She just smirked and turned out of the room. The entirety of the rest of the dream was spent trying to question others into giving me the whereabouts of Allie even the point of performing sexual favors for information. When I woke up. I had to pee. So I went. And then sat on the edge of bed for about 10 minutes trying to decide whether or not I was going to try to go back. I decided yes. Took a half and waited...and waited...and waited. The thoughts kept racing until 2:41PM. And that was it. It was over. I am having a really hard time letting this go and I am trying to figure out why. And what I can do.

Friday, July 24, 2009

In a scene that I have never seen before Allie

**Edit July 27th 2009 - Below is originally entitled "The Last Letter" and is the ramblings of a broken heart at 2 AM on half a bottle of scotch. Needless to say... it was a rough morning. I thought about removing it, but it is probably the most honest I have been with myself and ( i guess you could say) the world in a long time.**

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I miss you..... I have missed you...I will always miss you... ALL OF IT.... They have all come in a close second to the virtue that is you. I dream of you and HER.... often. I have spent many a night with her, her family and her sister...trying to decide on a moral and complete decision.... every night.... In these dreams... the ones that seem to never cease; I find you my night thoughts.. in a scene that I have never seen before. We are waiting. Playing with a moment... We are trying to suck from this time and place a sense of belonging. To prolonge.... I see you in all of your glory and in all that it proclaims to be and beyond.... And I want you here.... Each moment each second just a passing second in the dream that I cling to... that is you. I have NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE in this moment but I cling nonetheless. I have no control of these options for they are something that you distinguished far beyond me. I wonder if you always knew. If you knew the second I found you. If this was to be your purpose. Can I ever move on from this. How can I continue to let life run it's disturbing course? They have all found their comfort in others....including you.... and now I am faced to deal with all the consequences. Who are YOU to exhibit such power? Who are YOU that exhibits such flame? Those who are lucky enough to encounter YOU have found their answer.... but I myself am still struggling in the flame. I have met many beyond you. I have fucked (and quite well) a many beyond you. Yet it matters not. When we met, you knew this was to be my conquering defeat. The truth in all matter is that I can not let YOU go. I wish to. I have even prayed to.... But nothing has taken over me in the way that you have. So guess what??? You win. In every way that you ever wished to, Allie. I love you more than Lindsay. I love you further than that of Kelly and I love you more.... more than that of Yanira would have ever dreamed. You posses a part of my soul that I would have never wished to let any other posses..... But I allow it... far further beyond reasons that you could manifest. I love you beyond reason; beyond help; beyond logic. I love you in a way that will never allow the ceasing to another. I love in you in a way that has shattered, destroyed, rebuilt, and is continuing. It is unlike any other that I have ever known. I know you in these ways as well. And while you can continue to live your life in the secrecy that you entail... remember always that I know you still. I will haunt your every dream and every thought that you may consider fantasy. I make up every thought that you may conceive to think. And at the end of it all..there will be a bright shining glory of the spirit that you conceive to be me. Let that wash over you for a minuet..... Let that be the glory of all you have sought. For in the end Allie. You are forever mine. No cheating, hottness, boldness, and caricature could ever denie that. You know that we were met to be since the day the universes has exsisted and has ever tried to place us together... and all the situations since then have been just filling space and time... Both of which you are so egar and ready to proclaim. So good night my sweet prince. May flights of angles sing you toward your death. The death beyond the flesh, and the death beyond reason. You are the light that I have so vigilently held. I wish you nothing more than that you could possess. I wish you all that you never believed....all that you could contain..... for you already have that too. And maybe some day.. On that clear first day of spring...You will see me in a polka-dotted dress standing at the edge of that path, waiting for you in that day in 2010... in the realm of "houses that have never been finished"; you will see the completeness of us both. It is a day that is marked in in my infamy. It is the day that I never thought would come. But all days come at a time, Allie. And all days will come to an end. Take me with you into that piece. Allow me with you in that space.... For I long for nothing else. I long to be the one you really loved. I long to be the one you really wanted in that space. Simply because I wanted to fill that that space for SOMEONE. I wanted to have the everlasting, ever wanting, star crossed lover's role to some other... that some other that was myself and you. You have taken that place that I never thought you would take.. You have taken the role you have always wanted...Tell me me my love?? How does that feel? How is it sitting in the space that you wish? Is it everything that you though it would it be? Is nothing more? Answer me these things....For nothing,it will provide all that I have been wishing...perhaps less..perhaps more....I have filled my life with these distractions. The pole, the drinking, the drugs amount for nothing more that a silvery thought of you. All of which you wish to know. If I seek you beyond anyother means from this... what will it mean? I miss you. I have always missed you and I will always miss you. They have all come in a close second. Which means nothing. Know that.. always. I love you forever. And I can deal with that.... until you see it with your own eyes.. or beyond. Until next the life time my love.. I value you always and forever. Never forget...for I never will.


Friday, May 22, 2009

The Nicest Thing

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.
And I wish that we could see if we could be something.
Yea I wish that we could see if we could be something.

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Friday, May 8, 2009

Los Campesinos! - We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

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By the light of the LED display of the VCR recorder
You kiss my neck, I whisper in your ear:
"This is my downfall"
As you squint and you grimace
We both know your heart's not in it

In the glow of a thousand fireflies
In a travelodge en-suite
They think the future's bright as halogen
We know it's pretty bleak
And I'm trying to be sexy
Biting at the air that falls in front of me.

The telegrams are more and more less detailed by the day
And all the characters are strangers
And the pubs have different names
I tell a joke, I'd like to meet them
But they'll loathe me and I'd hate them back

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Fondness makes the absence longer
Length loses my interest
I'm a realist, I'm insatiable
So, ten days until I fly
But that was before your reply

You said, "He got his teeth fixed"
I'm gonna break them
I've got a heart on fire
You said, "He's got his sights set"
I'm getting to ya
I've got fists on fire

And you feel terrified at the thought of being left behind
Of losing everybody, the necessity of dying
Oh, we kid ourselves, there's future in the fucking
But there is no fucking future

I'm just practising my accents,
Picking at old sutures

I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love
Is to like the other slightly less than you get in return
I keep feeling like I'm being under-cut

Charlotte says it's more constructive than the one in Canada
When you got drunk, ate loads of crisps
And threw up by a football pitch
I know it is, and really that's what worries me
I feel like I should hurt

You said, "He's got his teeth fixed"
I'm gonna break them
I've got a heart on fire
He said he's got his sights set
I'm getting to ya
I've got fists on fire

I cannot emphasise enough that my body is a
Badly designed, poorly put together vessel
Harbouring these diminishing, so-called vital organs
Hope my heart goes first, I HOPE MY HEART GOES FIRST!

Thursday, May 7, 2009


As a child, there was nothing more comforting to me than waking up to the smell of sulfur and cigarettes at 3 am. It meant I was safe and sound in my mother's bed. I can remember the scent pulling me out of whatever dream state I was in to reveal a cluttered room aglow from the green alarm clock. In the subtle light, I could make out the stacks of clothing, papers and books that had been there for years. The pile of "who knows what" that lay on the floor next to me that our jack Russell mix Mrs. Beasley had made a nest out of. Her dresser was filled with old jewelry, pictures, perfumes and lotions that were always way past the date of use, all of which my mother would save "just in case." As I lay with my back to her,I would watch the shadows of her body dance along the wall. She struck a match, inhaled deep and a bright glow would illuminate the room with each drag. I would never let her know I was awake; ever. It's not as if she would have been upset, or even minded; but there was something so beautiful in that moment, predictable, safe; that I could not allow my need to be heard overshadow the need to just be...well... Content. She would take a couple more pulls; each one filled the room with a bright orange glow if only for a moment and I watched as the smoke distorted the shadow puppets of her movement on the wall. I would hear the sizzle of the butt against the ashtray and the moment would be over. She would clear her throat, snuggle back into the covers and fall fast asleep. I would lay there for what seemed like an eternity wondering if this is how she thought it would be. Is this is at all who she saw herself as? These were the only times in my life when I can truly say that I loved her, understood her, and wished for her beyond anything else in my life... and the saddest that she never even knew these moments existed for me. I guess that's the funny thing about ones reality.. it's all relative.

Monday, April 27, 2009


It... has... been.... forever........ and so much has changed and in so many beautiful ways. Right now.. in this moment, I have so much to look forward to, from a trip to Florida, to planning the launch/birthday party, to Fire Island w/friends... and through all of this I have found myself surprisingly content with the "romantic" status of my life.... which is nothing to speak of, and for once I can say that I am absolutely thrilled. The true and pure focus on me has proved so beneficial it is re-dam-diculous. It all sounds so cliche, but God... it is so true. I was absolutely terrified of being alone... for so long. Perhaps that's why I held on to Allie for so long. Maybe that's why I would consistently seek out those relationships in my life that would force me to continue to focus on others and other's energy...but finally...God finally. I woke up. And the funny thing about it.... it was brought on and out by a flash of anger. Imagine that... I have spent my entire life trying to disable that energy in my life and it was the one energy that I needed to push me through. It's not that I wish to stay in that energy, but the expression of it, as apposed to the suppression of it, moved me through the pity party that was being thrown since my birth. I'm over it and rather that running from, I am running head first into the challenges that I have been trying to avoid for so long. I am telling the universe that I am ready, so bring it. And in turn I am telling my old life that I'm all set. "You served your purpose, and this is nothing but a drain." It got me to my break through. Words alone can not describe what the exact nature of it is so without further adue.. Listen to the whole thing if you truley want to know...but deff SIC..cause this is a war...

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Wednesday, March 4, 2009


The past 3 days have been spent in prayer, laughter and tears. How strange it is to recall a life. I can't imagine how she feels. I can only hope that I helped. Today is the last day. There was a suspense in leading up to this moment. After today, a whole new process can begin. I can only hope that by me being there, I have eased her pain some. I know that her unwavering faith in this time has been more than an inspiration to me.

Friday, February 27, 2009


Dear You,
I have no idea if you will ever read this. I guess a part of me is hoping and praying that you will; I suppose I wouldn’t have posted this otherwise. The other part is thinking that maybe you really haven't been affected enough to even care. Either way, here goes nothing... Or everything...
You are completely unique in your form to me. I have never had someone affect me from so far away. I have never wanted someone so much from so far away. I have never dreamed of a life in it's completion as much as I have with you. The second I "met" you I felt a spark. a part of me awakened that had not been felt in some all honesty...since my first. There was a heat, a passion and a magic that dimmed as quickly as it began. And that is the regretful part. The portion that I felt instantly. I knew. I had always known. I was privy to information that you may not have been. I knew that I was leaving, I knew that you were. In the very first second I understood that you were not in the same place I was. I was completely aware that your life may never mesh with mine...I was just hopeful....or delusional... I guess. Your statements still ring in my ears. "There is no expiration date." "I know something they don't." Do you really? I had wondered. So did you know this? I woke up this morning and had the residual of you all over me but in the same moment I felt as if it had never happened. You were a dream, a vision...I called in...but never a reality. It was simply a fantasy that I had created...or was it? The bottom line...and in the were too much. I knew that if I saw you, I would fall; and weakness was never you favorite trait. But I am just being honest; and that should prove an admirable quality. I knew that I would ask too much and require much more than I should. So for now the theme is protection. I was protecting myself from you and all of the unknown; and your actions following our conversation proved that I had made the right choice. How quickly I was omitted. I saw how easy it was to pretend as if I never existed and that, in itself, revealed how meaningless our interaction was to you. For that I am hurt but through that I am right. My suspicions confirmed, I have only one thing left to do or say. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to ponder the realms of a world outside myself. Thank you for showing me that heat could exist outside of the capacities of which I had grown accustomed to. Thank you for being what ever form that was at the time that we crossed paths. Thank you for haunting my dreams and for consuming my thoughts. You were everything I had hoped for and I couldn't have asked for anything more. I wish you all the best in every endeavor you pursue. You have been an amazing section of my life, and while you may not understand or believe it now, your chapter has proved purposeful....but most of all wonderful.
All my love,

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Just did this and it creeped me out...Seriously

1. Put your music library on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how stupid it sounds (Most of the time they seem to make you feel uncomfortable, strangely enough.)
4. Don't pussy up just because Nick Cave or Patti Smith aren't coming up, or your secret Journey stash is showing. Just play fair.

Dreamer - UHH

Almost to the water - Bitch

You’ll see – Rent????

Must Be Dreaming – Frou Frou

Relief Next To me – T&S

Not a Pretty Girl – Ani Difranco
Ok This is getting fuckin weird.

The Con (Live) – T&S
Ok Seriously….

Talk to me now – Ani Difranco

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Gratitude – India Arie
This is my favorite.

This Aint a Scene, it’s an Arms Race (Kanye West Remix)

Moonlight Sonata – Beethoven
Again super creepy…

This Journey Is My Own – Sara Groves

Pale Purple – Ani

As Is - Ani

Read My Mind – The Killers

Halloween – Abby Ahmad

U Know – Boyz II Men
Like O, Like H – T&S
No comment.

Tell The Truth – Otis Redding

Finale A - Rent

The Perfect Duality

It had always made perfect sense to me that in order to be one thing, you could NOT be the other. You could either be good or bad. Straight or gay. Clean cut or drug addict. After all, my mother had always called me the complete extremist claiming I could never stand in the middle. I wanted it all or nothing at all. I believed her. Parts of me still do. But at least now I can see where it stems from. I never really believed that I could have it all. I never believed that I could be good and still have anger and resentment. To be affected negatively by others emotions. These thing are all fluid in me. The whore and the Madonna. I am it all and it is perfect just as is. the above is an original check out her myspace.

Happy V day

Things are spinning incredibly fast. I've heard it said that things are now progressing at a rate of 20x faster than previous decades. I today find myself among those passengers on that trip into the greater consciousness. I see all those around me grasping at their last straws. Those things that they know should be discarded, but for some reason, they are clinging for dear life. Again, I find myself blended into that category. I myself crave change and much of it. I myself want to see the me behind my eyes revealed. In this process, which started about 2 years ago, I am questioning all of my beliefs, all of my thoughts, and essentially, every part of what I know to be "my reality." I have tried a few experiments. I have created much into my life that I never thought I could. I understand what it means to focus your intention upon that which you truly desire and how to bring that desire into fruition. Of course to start the process, I started small, or maybe it could be considered big. Whatever. I began with the healing of my past relationship. I began by trying to size up where I was, what I created and where I made an error in judgement. I saw how I created that past into my existence and the purpose it played. Once the emotional scars had taken shape, I began to try to create actual physical objects into my reality. The lip ring, pole, camera, bed set, phone, and glasses all proved to be rather easy to create,and truly just by using the power of thought. Then came this person. We will just call them "J". For starters, after I had grieved the loss of my ex, I began to put out the intention of drawing the perfect person toward me. Of course I had specifics. I wanted them to look like Elvis, I wanted them to have heat and magic in their eyes. I wanted to have someone spark me into my creative self. I wanted someone to challenge me. I wanted someone who I was so physically attracted to that the hands off rule would never ever be an option. I wanted them to be tall, older, established, educated, artistic. I wanted someone to keep me on my toes. To catch me off guard. To make me smile for no reason. Someone with a hot name (I swear)to scream out in bed. I wanted someone who could make make me feel like the whore/princess that I am. Someone that could hold me in their arms while I fall asleep after just fucking my brains out. I wanted the perfect duality. The white picket fence that enclosed the house, which enclosed the sex swing and stripper pole in the basement. I want the white wedding in the church followed by the kind of sex you would only catch in the corners of a supper club. An low and behold, I stumble across "J". It was an accident really. Just a chance meeting. We began a computer relationship, followed by a pretty heavy phone interaction.We talked about EVERYTHING. From the most mundane to the greatest of heights. All the while dropping hints, tips and tricks to the dissection of each other. It all seemed so surreal. So. Now what? I am a control freak. I want to figure it all out before it occurs. I want to know intentions. I want FULL disclosure. I want to know if this is it? Or by simply believing that it is I make it so? Have I completely lost things in my life because I believed I would? I'm still trying to figure it out, meanwhile, jealousy and envy rear it's ugly head and such similar forms it almost makes me want it makes me want to start punching randoms in the face. I have to figure that part out. Anywho, back to the projects at hand. Goals this years: American idol. It is f-ing crunch time people. You will see me there. I have no doubt because I'm already there. Suck on that.