Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy V day

Things are spinning incredibly fast. I've heard it said that things are now progressing at a rate of 20x faster than previous decades. I today find myself among those passengers on that trip into the greater consciousness. I see all those around me grasping at their last straws. Those things that they know should be discarded, but for some reason, they are clinging for dear life. Again, I find myself blended into that category. I myself crave change and much of it. I myself want to see the me behind my eyes revealed. In this process, which started about 2 years ago, I am questioning all of my beliefs, all of my thoughts, and essentially, every part of what I know to be "my reality." I have tried a few experiments. I have created much into my life that I never thought I could. I understand what it means to focus your intention upon that which you truly desire and how to bring that desire into fruition. Of course to start the process, I started small, or maybe it could be considered big. Whatever. I began with the healing of my past relationship. I began by trying to size up where I was, what I created and where I made an error in judgement. I saw how I created that past into my existence and the purpose it played. Once the emotional scars had taken shape, I began to try to create actual physical objects into my reality. The lip ring, pole, camera, bed set, phone, and glasses all proved to be rather easy to create,and truly just by using the power of thought. Then came this person. We will just call them "J". For starters, after I had grieved the loss of my ex, I began to put out the intention of drawing the perfect person toward me. Of course I had specifics. I wanted them to look like Elvis, I wanted them to have heat and magic in their eyes. I wanted to have someone spark me into my creative self. I wanted someone to challenge me. I wanted someone who I was so physically attracted to that the hands off rule would never ever be an option. I wanted them to be tall, older, established, educated, artistic. I wanted someone to keep me on my toes. To catch me off guard. To make me smile for no reason. Someone with a hot name (I swear)to scream out in bed. I wanted someone who could make make me feel like the whore/princess that I am. Someone that could hold me in their arms while I fall asleep after just fucking my brains out. I wanted the perfect duality. The white picket fence that enclosed the house, which enclosed the sex swing and stripper pole in the basement. I want the white wedding in the church followed by the kind of sex you would only catch in the corners of a supper club. An low and behold, I stumble across "J". It was an accident really. Just a chance meeting. We began a computer relationship, followed by a pretty heavy phone interaction.We talked about EVERYTHING. From the most mundane to the greatest of heights. All the while dropping hints, tips and tricks to the dissection of each other. It all seemed so surreal. So. Now what? I am a control freak. I want to figure it all out before it occurs. I want to know intentions. I want FULL disclosure. I want to know if this is it? Or by simply believing that it is I make it so? Have I completely lost things in my life because I believed I would? I'm still trying to figure it out, meanwhile, jealousy and envy rear it's ugly head and such similar forms it almost makes me want it makes me want to start punching randoms in the face. I have to figure that part out. Anywho, back to the projects at hand. Goals this years: American idol. It is f-ing crunch time people. You will see me there. I have no doubt because I'm already there. Suck on that.

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