Dear You, I have no idea if you will ever read this. I guess a part of me is hoping and praying that you will; I suppose I wouldn’t have posted this otherwise. The other part is thinking that maybe you really haven't been affected enough to even care. Either way, here goes nothing... Or everything... You are completely unique in your form to me. I have never had someone affect me from so far away. I have never wanted someone so much from so far away. I have never dreamed of a life in it's completion as much as I have with you. The second I "met" you I felt a spark. a part of me awakened that had not been felt in some time...in all honesty...since my first. There was a heat, a passion and a magic that dimmed as quickly as it began. And that is the regretful part. The portion that I felt instantly. I knew. I had always known. I was privy to information that you may not have been. I knew that I was leaving, I knew that you were. In the very first second I understood that you were not in the same place I was. I was completely aware that your life may never mesh with mine...I was just hopeful....or delusional... I guess. Your statements still ring in my ears. "There is no expiration date." "I know something they don't." Do you really? I had wondered. So did you know this? I woke up this morning and had the residual of you all over me but in the same moment I felt as if it had never happened. You were a dream, a vision...I called in...but never a reality. It was simply a fantasy that I had created...or was it? The bottom line...and in the end...you were too much. I knew that if I saw you, I would fall; and weakness was never you favorite trait. But I am just being honest; and that should prove an admirable quality. I knew that I would ask too much and require much more than I should. So for now the theme is protection. I was protecting myself from you and all of the unknown; and your actions following our conversation proved that I had made the right choice. How quickly I was omitted. I saw how easy it was to pretend as if I never existed and that, in itself, revealed how meaningless our interaction was to you. For that I am hurt but through that I am right. My suspicions confirmed, I have only one thing left to do or say. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to ponder the realms of a world outside myself. Thank you for showing me that heat could exist outside of the capacities of which I had grown accustomed to. Thank you for being you...in what ever form that was at the time that we crossed paths. Thank you for haunting my dreams and for consuming my thoughts. You were everything I had hoped for and I couldn't have asked for anything more. I wish you all the best in every endeavor you pursue. You have been an amazing section of my life, and while you may not understand or believe it now, your chapter has proved purposeful....but most of all wonderful. All my love, Ticina
1. Put your music library on shuffle. 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how stupid it sounds (Most of the time they seem to make you feel uncomfortable, strangely enough.) 4. Don't pussy up just because Nick Cave or Patti Smith aren't coming up, or your secret Journey stash is showing. Just play fair.
1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY? Dreamer - UHH
2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Almost to the water - Bitch
3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? You’ll see – Rent????
4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Must Be Dreaming – Frou Frou
5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? Relief Next To me – T&S Creeptastic….
6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? Not a Pretty Girl – Ani Difranco Ok This is getting fuckin weird.
7) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? The Con (Live) – T&S Ok Seriously….
8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Talk to me now – Ani Difranco
9) WHAT IS 2+2? Gratitude – India Arie This is my favorite.
10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? This Aint a Scene, it’s an Arms Race (Kanye West Remix)
11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Moonlight Sonata – Beethoven Again super creepy…
12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? This Journey Is My Own – Sara Groves Wow
13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Pale Purple – Ani
14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? As Is - Ani
15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Read My Mind – The Killers
16) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Halloween – Abby Ahmad
17) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? U Know – Boyz II Men Hahahahahahaha….. 18) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? Like O, Like H – T&S No comment.
19) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Tell The Truth – Otis Redding
20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF STUPID FACEBOOK CHAINLETTER NOTES? Finale A - Rent
It had always made perfect sense to me that in order to be one thing, you could NOT be the other. You could either be good or bad. Straight or gay. Clean cut or drug addict. After all, my mother had always called me the complete extremist claiming I could never stand in the middle. I wanted it all or nothing at all. I believed her. Parts of me still do. But at least now I can see where it stems from. I never really believed that I could have it all. I never believed that I could be good and still have anger and resentment. To be affected negatively by others emotions. These thing are all fluid in me. The whore and the Madonna. I am it all and it is perfect just as is. the above is an original check out her myspace.
Things are spinning incredibly fast. I've heard it said that things are now progressing at a rate of 20x faster than previous decades. I today find myself among those passengers on that trip into the greater consciousness. I see all those around me grasping at their last straws. Those things that they know should be discarded, but for some reason, they are clinging for dear life. Again, I find myself blended into that category. I myself crave change and much of it. I myself want to see the me behind my eyes revealed. In this process, which started about 2 years ago, I am questioning all of my beliefs, all of my thoughts, and essentially, every part of what I know to be "my reality." I have tried a few experiments. I have created much into my life that I never thought I could. I understand what it means to focus your intention upon that which you truly desire and how to bring that desire into fruition. Of course to start the process, I started small, or maybe it could be considered big. Whatever. I began with the healing of my past relationship. I began by trying to size up where I was, what I created and where I made an error in judgement. I saw how I created that past into my existence and the purpose it played. Once the emotional scars had taken shape, I began to try to create actual physical objects into my reality. The lip ring, pole, camera, bed set, phone, and glasses all proved to be rather easy to create,and truly just by using the power of thought. Then came this person. We will just call them "J". For starters, after I had grieved the loss of my ex, I began to put out the intention of drawing the perfect person toward me. Of course I had specifics. I wanted them to look like Elvis, I wanted them to have heat and magic in their eyes. I wanted to have someone spark me into my creative self. I wanted someone to challenge me. I wanted someone who I was so physically attracted to that the hands off rule would never ever be an option. I wanted them to be tall, older, established, educated, artistic. I wanted someone to keep me on my toes. To catch me off guard. To make me smile for no reason. Someone with a hot name (I swear)to scream out in bed. I wanted someone who could make make me feel like the whore/princess that I am. Someone that could hold me in their arms while I fall asleep after just fucking my brains out. I wanted the perfect duality. The white picket fence that enclosed the house, which enclosed the sex swing and stripper pole in the basement. I want the white wedding in the church followed by the kind of sex you would only catch in the corners of a supper club. An low and behold, I stumble across "J". It was an accident really. Just a chance meeting. We began a computer relationship, followed by a pretty heavy phone interaction.We talked about EVERYTHING. From the most mundane to the greatest of heights. All the while dropping hints, tips and tricks to the dissection of each other. It all seemed so surreal. So. Now what? I am a control freak. I want to figure it all out before it occurs. I want to know intentions. I want FULL disclosure. I want to know if this is it? Or by simply believing that it is I make it so? Have I completely lost things in my life because I believed I would? I'm still trying to figure it out, meanwhile, jealousy and envy rear it's ugly head and such similar forms it almost makes me want to...no... it makes me want to start punching randoms in the face. I have to figure that part out. Anywho, back to the projects at hand. Goals this years: American idol. It is f-ing crunch time people. You will see me there. I have no doubt because I'm already there. Suck on that.