My dearest Lindsay,
First and foremost.... I want to wish you the happiest birthday. I'm sure by the time you read this you will already feel the wisdom of your age creeping in on you ;p. There are so many things that I want to share with you but for some reason, my heart is telling me to stick to the basics, and so I will. That being said, there are still allot of basics. We have discussed our "not talking" many times. We have never stuck to it. Honestly, I never saw a reason to. I mean.. I still have so much love for you, and I felt you had the same for me..so I figured, "What would be the point?" But things have changed drastically for me over the past few months and came to a head, so to speak. I'm not sure who told you I was sick, but yes I was. I was in the hospital for just over a week and allot of things were addressed in my stay there. The truth is that I have not been well for some time now and I have continuously put of seeking treatment for a myriad of reasons, but the main one being that I never truly cared for myself enough to feel that I was worth it. You were right in many aspects.... that I define my life by the relationships I keep or not keep. But I defined them through the lens of "what they did TO me." I was defining it through the paradigm of what THEY thought and how THEY saw me. That is who I was... Or so I thought. I was all wrong. I began to see that there was nothing wrong with how I formed these relationships, but there was something very unhealthy about the way that I clung to them.... Including you. It started with you. There was a hole left that I tried to fill with everything I could think of. And the only way I knew to fill it was with another relationship that held the "qualities" that felt like home. Some were pleasant and enriching, but for the most part I chose to take along with me patterns that confirmed that which I thought myself to be (worthless, undeserving, broken, ect.). EVERY relationship since has been fulfilling a small part to confirm my suspicions of people and what I thought was "right"; people can not be trusted..especially and including myself. It was these thoughts, running on repeat through my mind, which caused me to sink deeper into the hole that I had created. It is not until very recently that I began to wake up and really look at what I am creating by the thoughts I think, the actions I exhibit and the relationships that I choose to validate my experience of myself. I have never been good with boundaries, with friends or family, or even work. I have always tried to do what I thought others would think is right. I considered anger a low level emotion which really took me for a nice loop because the emotion of anger would trigger a feeling of guilt (Because in my mind, anger is bad because you are to love and understand all so get over it.) Then I would feel completely invalidated in my emotion which lead to resentment for not being able to express that emotion; (per the rules of this insane game that I played with myself) which lead to more anger..so on and so forth. I was always very good at not hurting others with all this pent up shit, for a while at least, and so, more often then not, I would turn the punishment onto myself. I would then go and seek those relationships in my life that would validate my invalidation...make any sense? Which leads me to where I am with you. To know that as I write this, I could have been with you, in your house, meeting your mittens, spending the night with many more to come. This is an intoxicating disappointment. I try not to think about it for too long..because I just get beyond sad and cry..... and cry...which is what I am doing now. But I know that when all was all said and done, I would be left with more carnage to unravel for myself. I mean seriously... We got one night together and look what happened... I feel like we have have both known for a great while that our effects on each other have been somewhat dysfunctional but, I know from my end, my pull to you was far too strong, and so I kept seeking you despite the effects it had on me as a whole. I do believe I can recall many a time when we have referred to each other as a "drug." And now I need to figure out my life with out that crutch. For as you have gone on and lived your life, not just surviving but thriving, separate from me, there has been a part of me that I have let belong to you that I have carried with me always. It has formed so much of who I have come to think I am. I guess I now need the time to figure out who that is without you. What I am asking for is a healthy boundary which is something that I have no idea how to do. I need space and time, more than we are used to, more than we have ever allowed. Because the truth of it is, I have never allowed myself an opportunity to heal. You have said many times to me that "I just have to let that shit go." and I agree, completely. But I do not know how to forgive you while you are still so much around and within me. All of my natural instinct has held onto the hurt so that I can make sure that I never get hurt again...and we see how well that has turned out. Truly forgiving you, would be the greatest gift that I can give to myself and to you.... and Lindsay, I want that more that anything. That is why I have not responded, I have not known what to say or how to say it. But more than that ...maybe it was that I knew what had to be said and was far to much of a coward to say it. There is so much of me that is screaming to just stop.. don't send this. Just call her..to go back to what we had. I should have never looked at your pictures (you look amazing BTW). The thought of never being near you again..fuck.kissing you is beyond heaven to me...and the thought of never having that again terrifies me beyond anything I think you can understand. But I have to stop clinging to you in fear. I must now step out in faith.... Faith that everything is going exactly as it should and according to the greater plan. I have to have faith that the universe knows what it is doing and I have to trust that if I really let this go, all will be as it should. Whatever we were meant to create...we will create.. it's as simple as that. I have to learn to trust..The world , life, love and especially myself...period..and that is why this is to be what it is. I speak only of what I am feeling in this letter because I at no point want you think that I am in any way trying to assume or figure out what you feel or that I am speaking for you in any way.. I will leave that to you to decipher if and when you so choose. All I know for sure is that the love I have for you now is muddled and I no longer want that for you. I want to love you wholly and purely. I want to love you in the way that shows me that I love myself. You deserve nothing but the best of me as a friend, and right now, that is not who I am, but it is who I am trying to become. And perhaps by this separation, I am also aiding you in the person that you are to become... I can only hope. I have included a song that pretty much sums it up(http://www.playlist.com/playlist/17397865739). Believe me, there are entire playlists that I have that are dedicated to you, but this is where I am right in this very moment. Lindsay, I hope you understand this letter and realize that it is not meant to hurt you, only to tell you the absolute truth. I hope that you can find enough love for me in your heart to understand that I am just a broken girl trying to fix herself up and become something that I can be proud of..and maybe someday, you can be proud of me too. That would mean more than the world to me. I miss you. I love you forever a million times.
****Edit August 4, 2009....Below is her response.. I must say.. I feel like I have been waiting to hear this for years.****
I knew you wouldn't let my day of birth pass without hitting me up..lol
Everything you are saying I agree with. It makes sense and you have obviously put quite a great deal of work into your self discovery. I really don't know what to say. I always say something dumb or inappropriate so let me try and stay with it here.. I want you to be happy and be greater than you can imagine; and You will be. I will be here, when and if the time comes for us to be whatever we should be, we will. I have faith in the purpose of this separation and hope that you reach for and continue doing whatever it is that you're doing that has brought YOU, the 27th year wisdom. I knew at one point what was happening, but wanted you to tell me. I was mad that you would just leave me alone without telling me whats up. Even though like I said, I knew good and well what was up. But eventually I knew you were doing the right thing. I don't want you to have to fill something I left behind or have any doubts in yourself because of things you have been through, as a result of us being together or any other reason. You do have too much to offer the world. Know that, feel that and carry that with you every moment of your life. You are worth saving...keep unmasking the light.
I am proud of you, you're my baby, and I say that with all respect and am not even hinting at being cute. I want to be there for you because I want you to see that I have changed. I don't want to be 16 -22 year old possibly 24...ahh shady Lindsay anymore. I want you to see me. But the only way you will be able to see me, is to first see you. So that you can see what I see; why I have stayed around, why I always come(came) back. So, as much as I want you to know I am here, so you can know that its ok to come to me for support, recognize I support what it is you are doing and will not make it harder than it has to be. The "hard" part of us is gone, its over. It doesn't have to be a battle anymore, a distortion, a vision, a picture, a notion, but can just be real. The one thing we have right now, is the ability to be completely honest with each other, something we have always been real close to but never were never able to get straight. I want that with you so we can be...whatever we will be.... Even if we are never to be, but to have been, my love is with you always...more than you know. Because I love you, I trust you know what is best for yourself and I owe you nothing less than to oblige.
Listen to Pretty Wings, by Maxwell...that's my pick for you.. I will check yours when I have my speakers on...
I hope you got your money back...
Lindsay Nell Gilbstein
She said that she had to talk about it every day and then so will I. I just took the magic sleepy pill. The one that will cart me off to the only land that I will ever be able to see her in. Maybe tonight will be a good one. Maybe I'll get to hold her. Tell her how she will always feel like home. Maybe she will tell me that she truly knows how she has hurt me and wants nothing more than to be with me. And then again... Are those the things I wish to hear. What will it take? What exactly am I seeking from her? Will I know when I get it? All unanswered questions. But at least I can rest in the thought that more than likely, I will see her in a couple hours. Maybe I can ask her then.
Another night. Another 10+ hours spent with her..It would have only been 5 hours but I slept through my alarm and woke up @ 9 or 10 to pop another 1/2 seroquel and try to go back to the dream to reconcile what I could. I was in a basement house/apartment again. Different from the past ones but a basement space nonetheless. It was really just one large room in the basement with 2 twin beds on frames and 2 twin mattress on the floor. Kara was there as was Yanira, and of course Allie. But Jigna was no where in site (Thank God). It began at night. We were all in the single room. The moonlight shown through the single basement window. I remember speaking to Yanira under the covers on the basement floor. She rejected me in one way or another. I can not remember the exactness of what was said. I grabbed her face and began to kiss her at which point I opened my eyes and saw that I was kissing Kara. The kiss became that of one to Kara and her small cabbage patchy mouth. I swear she is so cute sometimes it's like.... Anyway. I pushed Kara off of me at which point she levitated straight to her feet with the sheet around her as if it were a flowing cape. It was more like a vampire than anything else. And then she suddenly disappeared. I looked around and the room was empty and the moonlight had seemed to have turned into the bright summer day only it was winter; there was snow on the ground. I stood just under the open window that contained no glass now and the bars were showing. I stood just below and eavesdropped on a conversation that Allie was having with her perceived best friend but this is no one that I have seen before. I knew she would see me eventually but they were discussing me so I could not help but listen in. As soon as I thought it, Allie caught my eye, but I didn't run. I was nervous but I knew that I had already been caught, so I just locked eyes with her. She looked at me and with a sense of disdain yet playful cheekiness, she said "You little monster." I felt slightly stung but with this complex notion that she knew something to which she was going to guarantee my downfall. She was pregnant (again) and planning her baby shower. She came downstairs and shoved my bible study notebook in my hands and said "Some nice animal drawings you got there." "What are you talking about Allie?", I said as I tried to rack my brain of any incriminating evidence that might be contained with in it's pages. I could think of nothing. She just smirked and turned out of the room. The entirety of the rest of the dream was spent trying to question others into giving me the whereabouts of Allie even the point of performing sexual favors for information. When I woke up. I had to pee. So I went. And then sat on the edge of bed for about 10 minutes trying to decide whether or not I was going to try to go back. I decided yes. Took a half and waited...and waited...and waited. The thoughts kept racing until 2:41PM. And that was it. It was over. I am having a really hard time letting this go and I am trying to figure out why. And what I can do.
**Edit July 27th 2009 - Below is originally entitled "The Last Letter" and is the ramblings of a broken heart at 2 AM on half a bottle of scotch. Needless to say... it was a rough morning. I thought about removing it, but it is probably the most honest I have been with myself and ( i guess you could say) the world in a long time.**
I miss you..... I have missed you...I will always miss you... ALL OF IT.... They have all come in a close second to the virtue that is you. I dream of you and HER.... often. I have spent many a night with her, her family and her sister...trying to decide on a moral and complete decision.... every night.... In these dreams... the ones that seem to never cease; I find you there..in my night thoughts.. in a scene that I have never seen before. We are waiting. Playing with a moment... We are trying to suck from this time and place a sense of belonging. To prolonge.... I see you in all of your glory and in all that it proclaims to be and beyond.... And I want you here.... Each moment each second just a passing second in the dream that I cling to... that is you. I have NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE in this moment but I cling nonetheless. I have no control of these options for they are something that you distinguished far beyond me. I wonder if you always knew. If you knew the second I found you. If this was to be your purpose. Can I ever move on from this. How can I continue to let life run it's disturbing course? They have all found their comfort in others....including you.... and now I am faced to deal with all the consequences. Who are YOU to exhibit such power? Who are YOU that exhibits such flame? Those who are lucky enough to encounter YOU have found their answer.... but I myself am still struggling in the flame. I have met many beyond you. I have fucked (and quite well) a many beyond you. Yet it matters not. When we met, you knew this was to be my conquering defeat. The truth in all matter is that I can not let YOU go. I wish to. I have even prayed to.... But nothing has taken over me in the way that you have. So guess what??? You win. In every way that you ever wished to, Allie. I love you more than Lindsay. I love you further than that of Kelly and I love you more.... more than that of Yanira would have ever dreamed. You posses a part of my soul that I would have never wished to let any other posses..... But I allow it... far further beyond reasons that you could manifest. I love you beyond reason; beyond help; beyond logic. I love you in a way that will never allow the ceasing to another. I love in you in a way that has shattered, destroyed, rebuilt, and is continuing. It is unlike any other that I have ever known. I know you in these ways as well. And while you can continue to live your life in the secrecy that you entail... remember always that I know you still. I will haunt your every dream and every thought that you may consider fantasy. I make up every thought that you may conceive to think. And at the end of it all..there will be a bright shining glory of the spirit that you conceive to be me. Let that wash over you for a minuet..... Let that be the glory of all you have sought. For in the end Allie. You are forever mine. No cheating, hottness, boldness, and caricature could ever denie that. You know that we were met to be since the day the universes has exsisted and has ever tried to place us together... and all the situations since then have been just filling space and time... Both of which you are so egar and ready to proclaim. So good night my sweet prince. May flights of angles sing you toward your death. The death beyond the flesh, and the death beyond reason. You are the light that I have so vigilently held. I wish you nothing more than that you could possess. I wish you all that you never believed....all that you could contain..... for you already have that too. And maybe some day.. On that clear first day of spring...You will see me in a polka-dotted dress standing at the edge of that path, waiting for you in that day in 2010... in the realm of "houses that have never been finished"; you will see the completeness of us both. It is a day that is marked in in my infamy. It is the day that I never thought would come. But all days come at a time, Allie. And all days will come to an end. Take me with you into that piece. Allow me with you in that space.... For I long for nothing else. I long to be the one you really loved. I long to be the one you really wanted in that space. Simply because I wanted to fill that that space for SOMEONE. I wanted to have the everlasting, ever wanting, star crossed lover's role to some other... that some other that was myself and you. You have taken that place that I never thought you would take.. You have taken the role you have always wanted...Tell me me my love?? How does that feel? How is it sitting in the space that you wish? Is it everything that you though it would it be? Is nothing more? Answer me these things....For nothing,it will provide all that I have been wishing...perhaps less..perhaps more....I have filled my life with these distractions. The pole, the drinking, the drugs amount for nothing more that a silvery thought of you. All of which you wish to know. If I seek you beyond anyother means from this... what will it mean? I miss you. I have always missed you and I will always miss you. They have all come in a close second. Which means nothing. Know that.. always. I love you forever. And I can deal with that.... until you see it with your own eyes.. or beyond. Until next the life time my love.. I value you always and forever. Never forget...for I never will.