**Edit July 27th 2009 - Below is originally entitled "The Last Letter" and is the ramblings of a broken heart at 2 AM on half a bottle of scotch. Needless to say... it was a rough morning. I thought about removing it, but it is probably the most honest I have been with myself and ( i guess you could say) the world in a long time.**
I miss you..... I have missed you...I will always miss you... ALL OF IT.... They have all come in a close second to the virtue that is you. I dream of you and HER.... often. I have spent many a night with her, her family and her sister...trying to decide on a moral and complete decision.... every night.... In these dreams... the ones that seem to never cease; I find you there..in my night thoughts.. in a scene that I have never seen before. We are waiting. Playing with a moment... We are trying to suck from this time and place a sense of belonging. To prolonge.... I see you in all of your glory and in all that it proclaims to be and beyond.... And I want you here.... Each moment each second just a passing second in the dream that I cling to... that is you. I have NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE in this moment but I cling nonetheless. I have no control of these options for they are something that you distinguished far beyond me. I wonder if you always knew. If you knew the second I found you. If this was to be your purpose. Can I ever move on from this. How can I continue to let life run it's disturbing course? They have all found their comfort in others....including you.... and now I am faced to deal with all the consequences. Who are YOU to exhibit such power? Who are YOU that exhibits such flame? Those who are lucky enough to encounter YOU have found their answer.... but I myself am still struggling in the flame. I have met many beyond you. I have fucked (and quite well) a many beyond you. Yet it matters not. When we met, you knew this was to be my conquering defeat. The truth in all matter is that I can not let YOU go. I wish to. I have even prayed to.... But nothing has taken over me in the way that you have. So guess what??? You win. In every way that you ever wished to, Allie. I love you more than Lindsay. I love you further than that of Kelly and I love you more.... more than that of Yanira would have ever dreamed. You posses a part of my soul that I would have never wished to let any other posses..... But I allow it... far further beyond reasons that you could manifest. I love you beyond reason; beyond help; beyond logic. I love you in a way that will never allow the ceasing to another. I love in you in a way that has shattered, destroyed, rebuilt, and is continuing. It is unlike any other that I have ever known. I know you in these ways as well. And while you can continue to live your life in the secrecy that you entail... remember always that I know you still. I will haunt your every dream and every thought that you may consider fantasy. I make up every thought that you may conceive to think. And at the end of it all..there will be a bright shining glory of the spirit that you conceive to be me. Let that wash over you for a minuet..... Let that be the glory of all you have sought. For in the end Allie. You are forever mine. No cheating, hottness, boldness, and caricature could ever denie that. You know that we were met to be since the day the universes has exsisted and has ever tried to place us together... and all the situations since then have been just filling space and time... Both of which you are so egar and ready to proclaim. So good night my sweet prince. May flights of angles sing you toward your death. The death beyond the flesh, and the death beyond reason. You are the light that I have so vigilently held. I wish you nothing more than that you could possess. I wish you all that you never believed....all that you could contain..... for you already have that too. And maybe some day.. On that clear first day of spring...You will see me in a polka-dotted dress standing at the edge of that path, waiting for you in that day in 2010... in the realm of "houses that have never been finished"; you will see the completeness of us both. It is a day that is marked in in my infamy. It is the day that I never thought would come. But all days come at a time, Allie. And all days will come to an end. Take me with you into that piece. Allow me with you in that space.... For I long for nothing else. I long to be the one you really loved. I long to be the one you really wanted in that space. Simply because I wanted to fill that that space for SOMEONE. I wanted to have the everlasting, ever wanting, star crossed lover's role to some other... that some other that was myself and you. You have taken that place that I never thought you would take.. You have taken the role you have always wanted...Tell me me my love?? How does that feel? How is it sitting in the space that you wish? Is it everything that you though it would it be? Is nothing more? Answer me these things....For nothing,it will provide all that I have been wishing...perhaps less..perhaps more....I have filled my life with these distractions. The pole, the drinking, the drugs amount for nothing more that a silvery thought of you. All of which you wish to know. If I seek you beyond anyother means from this... what will it mean? I miss you. I have always missed you and I will always miss you. They have all come in a close second. Which means nothing. Know that.. always. I love you forever. And I can deal with that.... until you see it with your own eyes.. or beyond. Until next the life time my love.. I value you always and forever. Never forget...for I never will.
Hurts and Verses and Candles
2 years ago