Friday, July 31, 2009

Where I stood...

My dearest Lindsay,
First and foremost.... I want to wish you the happiest birthday. I'm sure by the time you read this you will already feel the wisdom of your age creeping in on you ;p. There are so many things that I want to share with you but for some reason, my heart is telling me to stick to the basics, and so I will. That being said, there are still allot of basics. We have discussed our "not talking" many times. We have never stuck to it. Honestly, I never saw a reason to. I mean.. I still have so much love for you, and I felt you had the same for I figured, "What would be the point?" But things have changed drastically for me over the past few months and came to a head, so to speak. I'm not sure who told you I was sick, but yes I was. I was in the hospital for just over a week and allot of things were addressed in my stay there. The truth is that I have not been well for some time now and I have continuously put of seeking treatment for a myriad of reasons, but the main one being that I never truly cared for myself enough to feel that I was worth it. You were right in many aspects.... that I define my life by the relationships I keep or not keep. But I defined them through the lens of "what they did TO me." I was defining it through the paradigm of what THEY thought and how THEY saw me. That is who I was... Or so I thought. I was all wrong. I began to see that there was nothing wrong with how I formed these relationships, but there was something very unhealthy about the way that I clung to them.... Including you. It started with you. There was a hole left that I tried to fill with everything I could think of. And the only way I knew to fill it was with another relationship that held the "qualities" that felt like home. Some were pleasant and enriching, but for the most part I chose to take along with me patterns that confirmed that which I thought myself to be (worthless, undeserving, broken, ect.). EVERY relationship since has been fulfilling a small part to confirm my suspicions of people and what I thought was "right"; people can not be trusted..especially and including myself. It was these thoughts, running on repeat through my mind, which caused me to sink deeper into the hole that I had created. It is not until very recently that I began to wake up and really look at what I am creating by the thoughts I think, the actions I exhibit and the relationships that I choose to validate my experience of myself. I have never been good with boundaries, with friends or family, or even work. I have always tried to do what I thought others would think is right. I considered anger a low level emotion which really took me for a nice loop because the emotion of anger would trigger a feeling of guilt (Because in my mind, anger is bad because you are to love and understand all so get over it.) Then I would feel completely invalidated in my emotion which lead to resentment for not being able to express that emotion; (per the rules of this insane game that I played with myself) which lead to more on and so forth. I was always very good at not hurting others with all this pent up shit, for a while at least, and so, more often then not, I would turn the punishment onto myself. I would then go and seek those relationships in my life that would validate my invalidation...make any sense? Which leads me to where I am with you. To know that as I write this, I could have been with you, in your house, meeting your mittens, spending the night with many more to come. This is an intoxicating disappointment. I try not to think about it for too long..because I just get beyond sad and cry..... and cry...which is what I am doing now. But I know that when all was all said and done, I would be left with more carnage to unravel for myself. I mean seriously... We got one night together and look what happened... I feel like we have have both known for a great while that our effects on each other have been somewhat dysfunctional but, I know from my end, my pull to you was far too strong, and so I kept seeking you despite the effects it had on me as a whole. I do believe I can recall many a time when we have referred to each other as a "drug." And now I need to figure out my life with out that crutch. For as you have gone on and lived your life, not just surviving but thriving, separate from me, there has been a part of me that I have let belong to you that I have carried with me always. It has formed so much of who I have come to think I am. I guess I now need the time to figure out who that is without you. What I am asking for is a healthy boundary which is something that I have no idea how to do. I need space and time, more than we are used to, more than we have ever allowed. Because the truth of it is, I have never allowed myself an opportunity to heal. You have said many times to me that "I just have to let that shit go." and I agree, completely. But I do not know how to forgive you while you are still so much around and within me. All of my natural instinct has held onto the hurt so that I can make sure that I never get hurt again...and we see how well that has turned out. Truly forgiving you, would be the greatest gift that I can give to myself and to you.... and Lindsay, I want that more that anything. That is why I have not responded, I have not known what to say or how to say it. But more than that ...maybe it was that I knew what had to be said and was far to much of a coward to say it. There is so much of me that is screaming to just stop.. don't send this. Just call go back to what we had. I should have never looked at your pictures (you look amazing BTW). The thought of never being near you again..fuck.kissing you is beyond heaven to me...and the thought of never having that again terrifies me beyond anything I think you can understand. But I have to stop clinging to you in fear. I must now step out in faith.... Faith that everything is going exactly as it should and according to the greater plan. I have to have faith that the universe knows what it is doing and I have to trust that if I really let this go, all will be as it should. Whatever we were meant to create...we will create.. it's as simple as that. I have to learn to trust..The world , life, love and especially myself...period..and that is why this is to be what it is. I speak only of what I am feeling in this letter because I at no point want you think that I am in any way trying to assume or figure out what you feel or that I am speaking for you in any way.. I will leave that to you to decipher if and when you so choose. All I know for sure is that the love I have for you now is muddled and I no longer want that for you. I want to love you wholly and purely. I want to love you in the way that shows me that I love myself. You deserve nothing but the best of me as a friend, and right now, that is not who I am, but it is who I am trying to become. And perhaps by this separation, I am also aiding you in the person that you are to become... I can only hope. I have included a song that pretty much sums it up( Believe me, there are entire playlists that I have that are dedicated to you, but this is where I am right in this very moment. Lindsay, I hope you understand this letter and realize that it is not meant to hurt you, only to tell you the absolute truth. I hope that you can find enough love for me in your heart to understand that I am just a broken girl trying to fix herself up and become something that I can be proud of..and maybe someday, you can be proud of me too. That would mean more than the world to me. I miss you. I love you forever a million times.

****Edit August 4, 2009....Below is her response.. I must say.. I feel like I have been waiting to hear this for years.****

I knew you wouldn't let my day of birth pass without hitting me
Everything you are saying I agree with. It makes sense and you have obviously put quite a great deal of work into your self discovery. I really don't know what to say. I always say something dumb or inappropriate so let me try and stay with it here.. I want you to be happy and be greater than you can imagine; and You will be. I will be here, when and if the time comes for us to be whatever we should be, we will. I have faith in the purpose of this separation and hope that you reach for and continue doing whatever it is that you're doing that has brought YOU, the 27th year wisdom. I knew at one point what was happening, but wanted you to tell me. I was mad that you would just leave me alone without telling me whats up. Even though like I said, I knew good and well what was up. But eventually I knew you were doing the right thing. I don't want you to have to fill something I left behind or have any doubts in yourself because of things you have been through, as a result of us being together or any other reason. You do have too much to offer the world. Know that, feel that and carry that with you every moment of your life. You are worth saving...keep unmasking the light.
I am proud of you, you're my baby, and I say that with all respect and am not even hinting at being cute. I want to be there for you because I want you to see that I have changed. I don't want to be 16 -22 year old possibly 24...ahh shady Lindsay anymore. I want you to see me. But the only way you will be able to see me, is to first see you. So that you can see what I see; why I have stayed around, why I always come(came) back. So, as much as I want you to know I am here, so you can know that its ok to come to me for support, recognize I support what it is you are doing and will not make it harder than it has to be. The "hard" part of us is gone, its over. It doesn't have to be a battle anymore, a distortion, a vision, a picture, a notion, but can just be real. The one thing we have right now, is the ability to be completely honest with each other, something we have always been real close to but never were never able to get straight. I want that with you so we can be...whatever we will be.... Even if we are never to be, but to have been, my love is with you always...more than you know. Because I love you, I trust you know what is best for yourself and I owe you nothing less than to oblige.
Listen to Pretty Wings, by Maxwell...that's my pick for you.. I will check yours when I have my speakers on...
I hope you got your money back...
Lindsay Nell Gilbstein

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