So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am.......Jennifer Knapp

I have been trying to digest this book for awhile. Everything in my life is changing and so fast, so I have not been able to update. So very quickly.. I started work again..and I have totally been kicking it! I am learning to love it again. I will be moving in November with a very dear friend (Ms. Diddy) and Kasey :) I have also decided to start the path on becoming a Physicians Assistant. The studying of this profession has brought me into more focus than ever on God's plan for my life and talents. It is right where I want to be as far as difficultly and scholastically I think it is perfect for me. I will always technically be a student to medicine (needing 100 hours every 2 years for recertification) and I will always have a supervising physician, but still be able to practice with my own autonomy. AAANNNDD... I was just invited back again to stage manage and direct another fashion show at the MGM Grand with Flick It Up Studios....This one is on Halloween. So with all of that said. On to this fantastic book...

I have been working though this book slowly but surely. It has blown open my concepts of God and what it is that drives me closer to Christ. I am finding old diary's and writings along this path that have also exposed a whole new world. I have learned to look at my life and myself through the lens of love. I had always viewed it through the paradigm of judgement and anger. I had decided that God hated me (per default mode) and that the purpose of my life was to make God love me through works. I never truly understood the value of grace..of faith and the intensions of my heart. These are the things that God sees. These are the things God loves...and these are the things the God judges(so tp speak)..and best of all, God sees me through the lens of Christ. This is what grace means. A love that can never be broken, nor stopped. The Lord has always protected me, through everything that I have decided to put myself through. And now I see that I was proclaiming faith, but not living it. Everything has changed. I am driven to now be brave. The way I always was is no longer good enough. My request to God was to bring me closer, to drawn me near so that I may understand the mysteries of this life more and more. That I may elevate to a higher level of understanding. As always, God has delivered and in the most unexpected ways. This has taken a form that I never thought possible. Where I can include ALL of myself, and still be ok...still be loved..and still be accpeted. This has taken a very very long time and it is still an ongoing fantastic struggle. Everyday I must remind myself to only listen to the voice of God, those words that build me up in my soul, that verify that I am God's creation alone and if God believes in me, than that changes everything... for there is nothing else that matters. Everything else is trivial. I am to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:37 -39). One of the most interesting things I find about this passage is where Jesus says "The second (command) is like it." Meaning the second, is like the first where the basis of it is full complete unconditional love. Love is what has brought me to this book and this point. I suggest it as a definite read for all those struggling with faith and orientation. It brings peace and will bring you into a closer intimacy with God if you seek it.

It's the Conversation That Matters

This whole time I have been looking for a destination. I have been seeking to predict how God will find me, meet me, or where he will take me. I can not predict these things. I must go where I lead and see how it unfolds.. And it is truly unfolding for me now. I have been involved with gaychristian.net (Yay Justin and Brian!!!! :) for a while but I am just now really taking care and love into it. IT lead me to the message boards where there are tons of thinkers throwing the best energy ever out there, to friends who will pray for you no matter what. Plus of course all the affirming info one could need. (Check out Straight To Heaven).. Anyway I have been going back and forth on this for a while now and I have come to a beautiful space. I was led by a message board to the following on TheOoze.Tv. I am feeling like God has called me to both sides to bridge this gap. A little much to explain right now (Gotta cook dinner) but if I can understand both sides, I can spark the conversation. The bridges are being built. Who will be the first to walk across them?

Part 1 - Andrew Marin on TheOoze.Tv

Part 2 - Andrew Marin on TheOoze.Tv

Happy V day

Things are spinning incredibly fast. I've heard it said that things are now progressing at a rate of 20x faster than previous decades. I today find myself among those passengers on that trip into the greater consciousness. I see all those around me grasping at their last straws. Those things that they know should be discarded, but for some reason, they are clinging for dear life. Again, I find myself blended into that category. I myself crave change and much of it. I myself want to see the me behind my eyes revealed. In this process, which started about 2 years ago, I am questioning all of my beliefs, all of my thoughts, and essentially, every part of what I know to be "my reality." I have tried a few experiments. I have created much into my life that I never thought I could. I understand what it means to focus your intention upon that which you truly desire and how to bring that desire into fruition. Of course to start the process, I started small, or maybe it could be considered big. Whatever. I began with the healing of my past relationship. I began by trying to size up where I was, what I created and where I made an error in judgement. I saw how I created that past into my existence and the purpose it played. Once the emotional scars had taken shape, I began to try to create actual physical objects into my reality. The lip ring, pole, camera, bed set, phone, and glasses all proved to be rather easy to create,and truly just by using the power of thought. Then came this person. We will just call them "J". For starters, after I had grieved the loss of my ex, I began to put out the intention of drawing the perfect person toward me. Of course I had specifics. I wanted them to look like Elvis, I wanted them to have heat and magic in their eyes. I wanted to have someone spark me into my creative self. I wanted someone to challenge me. I wanted someone who I was so physically attracted to that the hands off rule would never ever be an option. I wanted them to be tall, older, established, educated, artistic. I wanted someone to keep me on my toes. To catch me off guard. To make me smile for no reason. Someone with a hot name (I swear)to scream out in bed. I wanted someone who could make make me feel like the whore/princess that I am. Someone that could hold me in their arms while I fall asleep after just fucking my brains out. I wanted the perfect duality. The white picket fence that enclosed the house, which enclosed the sex swing and stripper pole in the basement. I want the white wedding in the church followed by the kind of sex you would only catch in the corners of a supper club. An low and behold, I stumble across "J". It was an accident really. Just a chance meeting. We began a computer relationship, followed by a pretty heavy phone interaction.We talked about EVERYTHING. From the most mundane to the greatest of heights. All the while dropping hints, tips and tricks to the dissection of each other. It all seemed so surreal. So. Now what? I am a control freak. I want to figure it all out before it occurs. I want to know intentions. I want FULL disclosure. I want to know if this is it? Or by simply believing that it is I make it so? Have I completely lost things in my life because I believed I would? I'm still trying to figure it out, meanwhile, jealousy and envy rear it's ugly head and such similar forms it almost makes me want to...no... it makes me want to start punching randoms in the face. I have to figure that part out. Anywho, back to the projects at hand. Goals this years: American idol. It is f-ing crunch time people. You will see me there. I have no doubt because I'm already there. Suck on that.