Sisterly Advice

She said that she had to talk about it every day and then so will I. I just took the magic sleepy pill. The one that will cart me off to the only land that I will ever be able to see her in. Maybe tonight will be a good one. Maybe I'll get to hold her. Tell her how she will always feel like home. Maybe she will tell me that she truly knows how she has hurt me and wants nothing more than to be with me. And then again... Are those the things I wish to hear. What will it take? What exactly am I seeking from her? Will I know when I get it? All unanswered questions. But at least I can rest in the thought that more than likely, I will see her in a couple hours. Maybe I can ask her then.

What Dreams May Come...

Another night. Another 10+ hours spent with her..It would have only been 5 hours but I slept through my alarm and woke up @ 9 or 10 to pop another 1/2 seroquel and try to go back to the dream to reconcile what I could. I was in a basement house/apartment again. Different from the past ones but a basement space nonetheless. It was really just one large room in the basement with 2 twin beds on frames and 2 twin mattress on the floor. Kara was there as was Yanira, and of course Allie. But Jigna was no where in site (Thank God). It began at night. We were all in the single room. The moonlight shown through the single basement window. I remember speaking to Yanira under the covers on the basement floor. She rejected me in one way or another. I can not remember the exactness of what was said. I grabbed her face and began to kiss her at which point I opened my eyes and saw that I was kissing Kara. The kiss became that of one to Kara and her small cabbage patchy mouth. I swear she is so cute sometimes it's like.... Anyway. I pushed Kara off of me at which point she levitated straight to her feet with the sheet around her as if it were a flowing cape. It was more like a vampire than anything else. And then she suddenly disappeared. I looked around and the room was empty and the moonlight had seemed to have turned into the bright summer day only it was winter; there was snow on the ground. I stood just under the open window that contained no glass now and the bars were showing. I stood just below and eavesdropped on a conversation that Allie was having with her perceived best friend but this is no one that I have seen before. I knew she would see me eventually but they were discussing me so I could not help but listen in. As soon as I thought it, Allie caught my eye, but I didn't run. I was nervous but I knew that I had already been caught, so I just locked eyes with her. She looked at me and with a sense of disdain yet playful cheekiness, she said "You little monster." I felt slightly stung but with this complex notion that she knew something to which she was going to guarantee my downfall. She was pregnant (again) and planning her baby shower. She came downstairs and shoved my bible study notebook in my hands and said "Some nice animal drawings you got there."
"What are you talking about Allie?", I said as I tried to rack my brain of any incriminating evidence that might be contained with in it's pages. I could think of nothing. She just smirked and turned out of the room. The entirety of the rest of the dream was spent trying to question others into giving me the whereabouts of Allie even the point of performing sexual favors for information. When I woke up. I had to pee. So I went. And then sat on the edge of bed for about 10 minutes trying to decide whether or not I was going to try to go back. I decided yes. Took a half and waited...and waited...and waited. The thoughts kept racing until 2:41PM. And that was it. It was over. I am having a really hard time letting this go and I am trying to figure out why. And what I can do.

In a scene that I have never seen before Allie

**Edit July 27th 2009 - Below is originally entitled "The Last Letter" and is the ramblings of a broken heart at 2 AM on half a bottle of scotch. Needless to say... it was a rough morning. I thought about removing it, but it is probably the most honest I have been with myself and ( i guess you could say) the world in a long time.**

I miss you..... I have missed you...I will always miss you... ALL OF IT.... They have all come in a close second to the virtue that is you. I dream of you and HER.... often. I have spent many a night with her, her family and her sister...trying to decide on a moral and complete decision.... every night.... In these dreams... the ones that seem to never cease; I find you there..in my night thoughts.. in a scene that I have never seen before. We are waiting. Playing with a moment... We are trying to suck from this time and place a sense of belonging. To prolonge.... I see you in all of your glory and in all that it proclaims to be and beyond.... And I want you here.... Each moment each second just a passing second in the dream that I cling to... that is you. I have NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE in this moment but I cling nonetheless. I have no control of these options for they are something that you distinguished far beyond me. I wonder if you always knew. If you knew the second I found you. If this was to be your purpose. Can I ever move on from this. How can I continue to let life run it's disturbing course? They have all found their comfort in others....including you.... and now I am faced to deal with all the consequences. Who are YOU to exhibit such power? Who are YOU that exhibits such flame? Those who are lucky enough to encounter YOU have found their answer.... but I myself am still struggling in the flame. I have met many beyond you. I have fucked (and quite well) a many beyond you. Yet it matters not. When we met, you knew this was to be my conquering defeat. The truth in all matter is that I can not let YOU go. I wish to. I have even prayed to.... But nothing has taken over me in the way that you have. So guess what??? You win. In every way that you ever wished to, Allie. I love you more than Lindsay. I love you further than that of Kelly and I love you more.... more than that of Yanira would have ever dreamed. You posses a part of my soul that I would have never wished to let any other posses..... But I allow it... far further beyond reasons that you could manifest. I love you beyond reason; beyond help; beyond logic. I love you in a way that will never allow the ceasing to another. I love in you in a way that has shattered, destroyed, rebuilt, and is continuing. It is unlike any other that I have ever known. I know you in these ways as well. And while you can continue to live your life in the secrecy that you entail... remember always that I know you still. I will haunt your every dream and every thought that you may consider fantasy. I make up every thought that you may conceive to think. And at the end of it all..there will be a bright shining glory of the spirit that you conceive to be me. Let that wash over you for a minuet..... Let that be the glory of all you have sought. For in the end Allie. You are forever mine. No cheating, hottness, boldness, and caricature could ever denie that. You know that we were met to be since the day the universes has exsisted and has ever tried to place us together... and all the situations since then have been just filling space and time... Both of which you are so egar and ready to proclaim. So good night my sweet prince. May flights of angles sing you toward your death. The death beyond the flesh, and the death beyond reason. You are the light that I have so vigilently held. I wish you nothing more than that you could possess. I wish you all that you never believed....all that you could contain..... for you already have that too. And maybe some day.. On that clear first day of spring...You will see me in a polka-dotted dress standing at the edge of that path, waiting for you in that day in 2010... in the realm of "houses that have never been finished"; you will see the completeness of us both. It is a day that is marked in in my infamy. It is the day that I never thought would come. But all days come at a time, Allie. And all days will come to an end. Take me with you into that piece. Allow me with you in that space.... For I long for nothing else. I long to be the one you really loved. I long to be the one you really wanted in that space. Simply because I wanted to fill that that space for SOMEONE. I wanted to have the everlasting, ever wanting, star crossed lover's role to some other... that some other that was myself and you. You have taken that place that I never thought you would take.. You have taken the role you have always wanted...Tell me me my love?? How does that feel? How is it sitting in the space that you wish? Is it everything that you though it would it be? Is nothing more? Answer me these things....For nothing,it will provide all that I have been wishing...perhaps less..perhaps more....I have filled my life with these distractions. The pole, the drinking, the drugs amount for nothing more that a silvery thought of you. All of which you wish to know. If I seek you beyond anyother means from this... what will it mean? I miss you. I have always missed you and I will always miss you. They have all come in a close second. Which means nothing. Know that.. always. I love you forever. And I can deal with that.... until you see it with your own eyes.. or beyond. Until next the life time my love.. I value you always and forever. Never forget...for I never will.

Ticina

Happy V day

Things are spinning incredibly fast. I've heard it said that things are now progressing at a rate of 20x faster than previous decades. I today find myself among those passengers on that trip into the greater consciousness. I see all those around me grasping at their last straws. Those things that they know should be discarded, but for some reason, they are clinging for dear life. Again, I find myself blended into that category. I myself crave change and much of it. I myself want to see the me behind my eyes revealed. In this process, which started about 2 years ago, I am questioning all of my beliefs, all of my thoughts, and essentially, every part of what I know to be "my reality." I have tried a few experiments. I have created much into my life that I never thought I could. I understand what it means to focus your intention upon that which you truly desire and how to bring that desire into fruition. Of course to start the process, I started small, or maybe it could be considered big. Whatever. I began with the healing of my past relationship. I began by trying to size up where I was, what I created and where I made an error in judgement. I saw how I created that past into my existence and the purpose it played. Once the emotional scars had taken shape, I began to try to create actual physical objects into my reality. The lip ring, pole, camera, bed set, phone, and glasses all proved to be rather easy to create,and truly just by using the power of thought. Then came this person. We will just call them "J". For starters, after I had grieved the loss of my ex, I began to put out the intention of drawing the perfect person toward me. Of course I had specifics. I wanted them to look like Elvis, I wanted them to have heat and magic in their eyes. I wanted to have someone spark me into my creative self. I wanted someone to challenge me. I wanted someone who I was so physically attracted to that the hands off rule would never ever be an option. I wanted them to be tall, older, established, educated, artistic. I wanted someone to keep me on my toes. To catch me off guard. To make me smile for no reason. Someone with a hot name (I swear)to scream out in bed. I wanted someone who could make make me feel like the whore/princess that I am. Someone that could hold me in their arms while I fall asleep after just fucking my brains out. I wanted the perfect duality. The white picket fence that enclosed the house, which enclosed the sex swing and stripper pole in the basement. I want the white wedding in the church followed by the kind of sex you would only catch in the corners of a supper club. An low and behold, I stumble across "J". It was an accident really. Just a chance meeting. We began a computer relationship, followed by a pretty heavy phone interaction.We talked about EVERYTHING. From the most mundane to the greatest of heights. All the while dropping hints, tips and tricks to the dissection of each other. It all seemed so surreal. So. Now what? I am a control freak. I want to figure it all out before it occurs. I want to know intentions. I want FULL disclosure. I want to know if this is it? Or by simply believing that it is I make it so? Have I completely lost things in my life because I believed I would? I'm still trying to figure it out, meanwhile, jealousy and envy rear it's ugly head and such similar forms it almost makes me want to...no... it makes me want to start punching randoms in the face. I have to figure that part out. Anywho, back to the projects at hand. Goals this years: American idol. It is f-ing crunch time people. You will see me there. I have no doubt because I'm already there. Suck on that.