So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am.......Jennifer Knapp

I have been trying to digest this book for awhile. Everything in my life is changing and so fast, so I have not been able to update. So very quickly.. I started work again..and I have totally been kicking it! I am learning to love it again. I will be moving in November with a very dear friend (Ms. Diddy) and Kasey :) I have also decided to start the path on becoming a Physicians Assistant. The studying of this profession has brought me into more focus than ever on God's plan for my life and talents. It is right where I want to be as far as difficultly and scholastically I think it is perfect for me. I will always technically be a student to medicine (needing 100 hours every 2 years for recertification) and I will always have a supervising physician, but still be able to practice with my own autonomy. AAANNNDD... I was just invited back again to stage manage and direct another fashion show at the MGM Grand with Flick It Up Studios....This one is on Halloween. So with all of that said. On to this fantastic book...

I have been working though this book slowly but surely. It has blown open my concepts of God and what it is that drives me closer to Christ. I am finding old diary's and writings along this path that have also exposed a whole new world. I have learned to look at my life and myself through the lens of love. I had always viewed it through the paradigm of judgement and anger. I had decided that God hated me (per default mode) and that the purpose of my life was to make God love me through works. I never truly understood the value of grace..of faith and the intensions of my heart. These are the things that God sees. These are the things God loves...and these are the things the God judges(so tp speak)..and best of all, God sees me through the lens of Christ. This is what grace means. A love that can never be broken, nor stopped. The Lord has always protected me, through everything that I have decided to put myself through. And now I see that I was proclaiming faith, but not living it. Everything has changed. I am driven to now be brave. The way I always was is no longer good enough. My request to God was to bring me closer, to drawn me near so that I may understand the mysteries of this life more and more. That I may elevate to a higher level of understanding. As always, God has delivered and in the most unexpected ways. This has taken a form that I never thought possible. Where I can include ALL of myself, and still be ok...still be loved..and still be accpeted. This has taken a very very long time and it is still an ongoing fantastic struggle. Everyday I must remind myself to only listen to the voice of God, those words that build me up in my soul, that verify that I am God's creation alone and if God believes in me, than that changes everything... for there is nothing else that matters. Everything else is trivial. I am to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:37 -39). One of the most interesting things I find about this passage is where Jesus says "The second (command) is like it." Meaning the second, is like the first where the basis of it is full complete unconditional love. Love is what has brought me to this book and this point. I suggest it as a definite read for all those struggling with faith and orientation. It brings peace and will bring you into a closer intimacy with God if you seek it.

It's the Conversation That Matters

This whole time I have been looking for a destination. I have been seeking to predict how God will find me, meet me, or where he will take me. I can not predict these things. I must go where I lead and see how it unfolds.. And it is truly unfolding for me now. I have been involved with gaychristian.net (Yay Justin and Brian!!!! :) for a while but I am just now really taking care and love into it. IT lead me to the message boards where there are tons of thinkers throwing the best energy ever out there, to friends who will pray for you no matter what. Plus of course all the affirming info one could need. (Check out Straight To Heaven).. Anyway I have been going back and forth on this for a while now and I have come to a beautiful space. I was led by a message board to the following on TheOoze.Tv. I am feeling like God has called me to both sides to bridge this gap. A little much to explain right now (Gotta cook dinner) but if I can understand both sides, I can spark the conversation. The bridges are being built. Who will be the first to walk across them?

Part 1 - Andrew Marin on TheOoze.Tv

Part 2 - Andrew Marin on TheOoze.Tv

Los Campesinos! - We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

Lyrics:

By the light of the LED display of the VCR recorder
You kiss my neck, I whisper in your ear:
"This is my downfall"
As you squint and you grimace
We both know your heart's not in it

In the glow of a thousand fireflies
In a travelodge en-suite
They think the future's bright as halogen
We know it's pretty bleak
And I'm trying to be sexy
Biting at the air that falls in front of me.

The telegrams are more and more less detailed by the day
And all the characters are strangers
And the pubs have different names
I tell a joke, I'd like to meet them
But they'll loathe me and I'd hate them back

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Fondness makes the absence longer
Length loses my interest
I'm a realist, I'm insatiable
So, ten days until I fly
But that was before your reply

You said, "He got his teeth fixed"
I'm gonna break them
I've got a heart on fire
You said, "He's got his sights set"
I'm getting to ya
I've got fists on fire

And you feel terrified at the thought of being left behind
Of losing everybody, the necessity of dying
Oh, we kid ourselves, there's future in the fucking
But there is no fucking future
I'm just practising my accents,
Picking at old sutures

I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love
Is to like the other slightly less than you get in return
I keep feeling like I'm being under-cut

Charlotte says it's more constructive than the one in Canada
When you got drunk, ate loads of crisps
And threw up by a football pitch
I know it is, and really that's what worries me
I feel like I should hurt

You said, "He's got his teeth fixed"
I'm gonna break them
I've got a heart on fire
He said he's got his sights set
I'm getting to ya
I've got fists on fire

I cannot emphasise enough that my body is a
Badly designed, poorly put together vessel
Harbouring these diminishing, so-called vital organs
Hope my heart goes first, I HOPE MY HEART GOES FIRST!

Moment

As a child, there was nothing more comforting to me than waking up to the smell of sulfur and cigarettes at 3 am. It meant I was safe and sound in my mother's bed. I can remember the scent pulling me out of whatever dream state I was in to reveal a cluttered room aglow from the green alarm clock. In the subtle light, I could make out the stacks of clothing, papers and books that had been there for years. The pile of "who knows what" that lay on the floor next to me that our jack Russell mix Mrs. Beasley had made a nest out of. Her dresser was filled with old jewelry, pictures, perfumes and lotions that were always way past the date of use, all of which my mother would save "just in case." As I lay with my back to her,I would watch the shadows of her body dance along the wall. She struck a match, inhaled deep and a bright glow would illuminate the room with each drag. I would never let her know I was awake; ever. It's not as if she would have been upset, or even minded; but there was something so beautiful in that moment, predictable, safe; that I could not allow my need to be heard overshadow the need to just be...well... Content. She would take a couple more pulls; each one filled the room with a bright orange glow if only for a moment and I watched as the smoke distorted the shadow puppets of her movement on the wall. I would hear the sizzle of the butt against the ashtray and the moment would be over. She would clear her throat, snuggle back into the covers and fall fast asleep. I would lay there for what seemed like an eternity wondering if this is how she thought it would be. Is this is at all who she saw herself as? These were the only times in my life when I can truly say that I loved her, understood her, and wished for her beyond anything else in my life... and the saddest part...is that she never even knew these moments existed for me. I guess that's the funny thing about ones reality.. it's all relative.